In the ever-evolving landscape of digital parenting, a single notification can spark a moral firestorm. On a recent episode of the Ask Lisa podcast, Dr. Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan dove into a dilemma that haunts every modern parent: “I saw a shocking text on my daughter’s phone—now what?”
The conversation began with a listener’s letter. A mother stumbled upon a text on her 14-year-old’s phone revealing that a close friend had gone to a party, gotten drunk, and spent the night with a guy. While the mother was relieved to see her own daughter react with shock and disapproval, she was left paralyzed by the discovery. Should she confront her child? Should she call the other parent? Or should she stay silent to protect the fragile bond of trust?
Dr. Lisa is clear: if you’re going to monitor, don’t be a ghost in the machine. While she advocates for “no phones in bedrooms” and a “go slow” approach for younger kids, she insists that any digital oversight must be transparent.
“If everyone else can see it, I can see it too,” Lisa suggests parents tell their kids. By setting the expectation that you will periodically check their phone, you create a “speed bump” for impulsive behavior. The real trouble starts when parents check surreptitiously. If you find something alarming while “sneaking,” you’re trapped: reveal the truth and face a massive rupture in trust, or stay silent and lose the chance to help.
The trickiest part of the listener’s letter wasn’t her daughter’s behavior—it was the friend’s. If you have “intel” on someone else’s child, do you have a moral obligation to report it?
Lisa offers a nuanced perspective: Your primary job is to keep your own child safe. If calling the other parent causes your daughter to go “underground,” you’ve effectively cut your own lines of communication. A child who can’t talk to their parents is, statistically, much less safe.
However, if the behavior is life-threatening (like mentions of suicide or severe risk), the silence must break. In those cases, Lisa suggests giving your child “options for disclosure.” Instead of being the “rat,” ask your child: “This isn’t safe. How do you want them to find out? Do you want to tell them, or should I?”
Lisa likens phone monitoring to a medical CT scan. It’s a powerful diagnostic tool, but you don’t run a full-body scan every day just to see if something is wrong. You rely on your clinical knowledge—your “gut feeling” and your relationship with your child.
“If you find yourself checking their phone secretly and constantly, ask yourself why the trust has broken down,” Lisa advises. Monitoring should be a safety net, not a substitute for a healthy relationship.
Parenting in the digital age isn’t about being a private investigator; it’s about being a mentor. If you see something, own how you saw it, apologize if you crossed a line, and pivot immediately to the safety of the kids involved.
As Lisa puts it: “Mental health isn’t about feeling good; it’s about having the right feelings at the right time and knowing how to handle them.” Whether it’s a shocking text or a difficult conversation, the goal is the same—keeping the door open so that when things get real, they come to you first.
